ophelia79's Diaryland Diary

incredible to think that it's almost a whole different life scattered about. that there are these pictures of me with long hair, or with curly hair or whatnot.
with old friends and ex-boyfriends, in canada, in tyler. katie and i playing with a barrel of monkeys in someone's basement in ohio,
molly and i with wendy her wedding day.
and there's no connection, other than my face.
it's a whole different life from the one i'm living now and there's no connection between the two for kara, sitting on my floor and thumbing through them.

we leave these parts of our lives behind, but really we don't, and it all makes sense to us... the progression of things.
and i look at kara and i'm like... but you should know molly and crystal and zeke and marc and wendy because they're funny and hip and brilliant in lots of ways.
you should know that josh is incredible and starting a church in boston.
you should have met floyd before he died.
you should have been down there, in dave and julie's basement in ohio playing operation and whatever all else,
with me when we drove to florida in the van with no seats
with me when we decided a song with a kazoo solo would be a good idea or when marc screamed "i wanna rock in my el camino" so loud that i laughed uncontrolably and couldn't play bass anymore.

i'm just rambling, but i guess the point of this is that this is the point.
i mean, in that, getting to know people and them getting to know you.
these are all of the little things that add up to me.
it's impossible to know me without knowing that i was scared out of my mind to speak in front of a crowd until i was 17 or so,
that i made the disastrous decision to perm my hair, about the same age, simply that i would be able to tie it in a knot and it would stay.
not just that i love road trips, but the particulars of certain ones.
that at the time, watching zach f. dance in the sand wearing a snorkle and flippers at two in the morning was the funniest thing i've ever seen.
that thursday night i laughed until i cried because a friend said he wants to get breasts tattooed on his chest so that he can flash people for mardi gras beads.
that i liked shad right off, the first time i met him. and the first time we ever really hung out was at a big party and shanda's house. we watched monty python and he let me lean back on his legs.
that i'll always feel bad about being out of the country on my sister's 16th birthday.
that i had to, in essence, walk away from the only person who ever truly understood me because they were making me crazy and, despite all of their absolutely wonderful qualities, were sending me into some kind of a downward spiral that i couldn't stop.

it's hard, you know, to find people who will listen to all of these things, and maybe even care a little.
but it's the screening process.
and there have been some really lovely people who have passed.

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